Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
