I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
