While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
