Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
