halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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