So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
