we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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