just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
