And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
