i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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