I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So much rum. So many feels.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
