i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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