I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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