you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
