I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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