I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
