Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
