If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i think my cat just said my name.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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