i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
