toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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