I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
