I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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