I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
