I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
