the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
