you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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