theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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