Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
