wanna go halves on a baby?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
FUCK WHALES
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
