I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need to calm my uterus...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
