My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
