Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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