does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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