If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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