i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
someone get that fucking seahorse.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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