If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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