I need to stop coming to work sober
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
