Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
