i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
