apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
