Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
