1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
