i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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