This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
