dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
