Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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