so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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