Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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