apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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