The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
