my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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