omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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