What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
